Disbelieving Disbelief

“If God tells you,’do this,’
and you do it,
God will do great things.”

                      -Calin Ciuciui, June 16, 2012

Before I really dive in to the stories from Romania, I wanted to share a few things Calin shared with my team at Salem, our host church, before we went out. Things that are still resonating because they’re just as true wherever you find yourself as they are in Romania.

“Doubt your doubts. Start disbelieving your disbelief,” he said. “Step out of your boat. Do the things you’ve never done.”

The things I’d never done. There were plenty of them. The entire experience was something I’d never done. I was there, sitting in a room with a team full of people I’d only known for a few days. I was there, listening to truth from a brother in Christ I’d come in contact with less than forty-eight hours earlier, half way across the globe. I was there, standing outside the boat on the very closest wave of the rocky water, holding on to the edge and looking at Christ as if to say ‘what now?’

Let go, He said. Step outside the boat. Have faith.

Disbelieve your disbelief.

How much do you believe you’ll see in this city? In your own?

Calin’s questions echo in my heart, even now. How much do I believe I will see God do? How much do I believe? Enough to disbelieve my disbelief? Enough to step outside of the boat and walk on water with Him? How much do I believe?

Right before I left, I shared what I felt God telling me from John 1:50– “you will see greater things.” He proved Himself faithful to those words, and I marked in my journal this note during Calin’s words of encouragement: “Do the things you’ve never done. Believe that you’ll see greater things.”

I limit God sometimes. I cast doubts on how big He’ll go or how mightily He’ll move. I pray half-heartedly, because I don’t expect Him to pull through in the biggest way… just an average way, like praying for someone to be given the right diagnosis and treatment so they’ll feel better soon enough instead of praying for their immediate, miraculous healing in the name of Jesus. I trade the greater things for the average things. I believe my disbelief; I choose to give in to my doubts.

And then I was in Romania and hearing that question: how much do you believe? And I found that God, in His grace, had begun to change my heart somewhere down the line. Vague prayers had at some point started turning into expectant conversations with the Lord. Unsteady hands were being turned into ones that worked boldly and quickly, without inhibition. I was starting to disbelieve my disbelief. I was starting to see God more for who He is– Almighty; just; love; peace; Healer; Redeemer.

I was believing what He had said to me.

I was believing that He would show me greater things.

And I was starting to see Him do them.

“Believe in the impossible.”